Blog Endings

Hi Everyone,

I know it has been awhile since I have posted. I didn’t want to detract from the message or sentiments in this blog with my life changes, but life does change and enough people have contacted me in my new situation to realize I might as well put it here so you can follow the husband and I’s further adventures.

A typical look the two of us together when he transitioned.

Like I said in my first post on this site “BEGINNINGS”, I am transgender myself. I didn’t feel I could come out though, that I would never reach where I would consider an acceptable point in transition.  Well… as of March 13, 2018 I did come out and I began my transition. It was that or suicide. Since then I have definitely become more feminine, I have lost more than 115lbs and I am about halfway through my own transition.

How I looked when posting here late 2017/early 2018

How I looked in Late August/Early September 2019 after a little over a year of transition (no filters, just good sunlight).

That doesn’t take away anything from this blog though. I was presenting and living as a man and I still feel this is all valid. However, if you want to see my actual personal journal, just go to https://www.agirlushouldknow.com. I did have a transition only blog but hated doubling up with my personal so it got collapsed into my personal blog. I feel my personal blog is better anyways. It has the whole story, not just snippets of my transition.

This is from a little earlier in my transition. We are still together and still happy.

I welcome all of you over at my new blog. There you will see both hubby and I as we transition back into a weirdly straight looking relationship (but we are both trans so that is the furthest from straight you can get). I will still get any notifications of comments sent here, so please feel free to contact me.

Even though this is officially wrapping up this blog, I still can’t thank you all enough for everything over the past 7 years. The support has been tremendous, the experiences are life changing and I am so very proud of this blog, the people and the things that happened. I hope you will join me on my own journey, and if you don’t, I hope you have a great life, thank you for everything. I truly mean that from my soul.

Published and the Future!

Hey everyone, it finally happened they published our book. I think it is a pretty cool little thing, basically Wolsey and I’s takedown of the selected posts. It was a nice way to package up the first phase of his transition.

So here is the official press briefing: AGPRFINAL

It is being released on most digital services and hardcopies are coming out. I will give an update when and where the hardcopies will be. Here is the amazon link (just look up Accidentally Gay on the other digital distributions if you have a different provider).

I want to thank everyone for this process. All I hope for the book is to give transitioning people and their partners the hope that it isn’t over for their relationship, no matter what anyone tries to tell them.

Like I have told you all earlier, I don’t post here much anymore, there have been a bunch of HUGE changes and working through them (Wolsey and I are both still together and madly in love). When it is time I will tell everyone about the changes and keep you updated.

Until then, take care.

Bye Bye DoD

It has been awhile since we talked and I figured I would catch you all up on at least part of our life. Things have been incredibly busy. The hubby is incredibly happy that he no longer works for the DoD, especially after he filed harassment claim and not only did they not do anything to that horrible manager, they rewarded her with a position she has been wanting.

Well fast forward to a couple of weeks ago I quit the DoD as well. The toxicity is just ramping up even more and it is pretty horrific place to work if you are  not a white cisgendered heterosexual christian male. People are starting to parrot Trumpisms with no sense of irony or parody and it is incredibly horrible.

While it is the best paying job I have had and I did have a bit of an anxiety attack about no money, I quit anyways and now two weeks later I have absolutely no qualms about doing that. We were moving about 35 miles away anyways for the hubby’s new job and this is a clean break. I found myself hating my job every night, dreading going to work and I knew it wasn’t healthy. I feel so much better, it probably contributed to me losing 60 pounds since March (I knew I was quitting then).

My worries may not have been well founded. I already have a contingent offer from a local government auditing (at about the same pay rate) but we will have to see if it pans out. If it doesn’t I think I can go back to working for the ESD as well. However, wherever I go will have Washington state protection of LGBTQ people, and I think that is the safest.

We moved to Tacoma and I will go into a lot of detail about it later. We are going to the Tacoma Pride festival in July and I am excited about that. The city itself seems very accepting (even with the loud MAGA minority here) and I feel fairly secure for hubby. After all his security is all I care about.

So I just wanted to tell you all that the Department of Defense saga is now over. There are some funny details I will probably write about later, but for now I am just happy it is done. I don’t begrudge working there for the fact it paid for hubby’s surgeries (maybe not through medical but at least through a paycheck) and paid for my parents end of life situation/funeral. Plus if it works out when we cash out it will wipe all short term debt (i.e. non-student loan debt) leaving us with some breathing room.

Just thought I would give a quick update, more to come. 🙂

Book Update

I had a couple of people email me asking about the book so I will give a quick update. The editing got pushed back until next week due to other publisher changes (other books not ours). So it is still a go, things are looking good and I am still excited.

I am even more excited because once it publishes it means Wolsey can submit his books he has been sitting on and get them published either there or self published (they are an urban fantasy series, not about our relationship).

I want to thank everyone for everything! I will keep you in the loop (and no, by no means is this going to be more then Starbucks money, I just think its cool I get to tell my story about Wolsey and I).

Safer

First, let me be very very clear, passing or not passing as most people call it has no reflection on the person who is trans, and this isn’t meant as a judgment of that, rather if someone “passes” they are more likely to be safe and when it comes to Wolsey I just want him safe. No matter how you present though, just be proud of yourself!

My intrepid hubby has been at his new job for six weeks now and he loves it. During this time everyone has been treating him great. He gets along with everyone, and at no point in time has anyone clocked him as trans. Not ever a single doubt.Not through the interview process, working with multiple auditors and supervisors no one has assumed anything other then he is a cisgendered guy.

I think the only person that might have had a chance to know anything had worked with me about 8 years ago (for the same agency).Recently Wolsey told her that he was married to me, and she remembered me. I do think it is humorous though that she either forgot I had a wife back then, or maybe she thought I got divorced and remarried. Either way, evidently no one else can tell (I don’t think I could if I wasn’t already married to him).

I am reporting this back because this is the first real experience we have watched with him working with people closely and there isn’t even a blink about his appearance. It makes me feel calmer, it means he is safer then he was 2 years ago. He will be left alone unless he decides to reveal that information.

That is my big takeaway from this, my husband is safer now. I am grateful for that.

Published in LGBTQ Queer Culture Journal MELK

Ok, I am a liar. I post that I am not posting anymore and what happens, here I am again. I am officially a published author, by a real publisher and not a vanity publish.

This isn’t the book deal we are waiting on, that is supposed to come out in the next month or two, this is a short writing that a Norwegian Queer Culture Journal that publishes quarterly.

They asked me to write a story about Wolsey and I. I was more than happy to.

https://www.melkmag.com/melk-no-6.html

Thank you.

I cannot express how thankful I am to everyone past and present who has been so supportive here. Wolsey’s transition was the biggest thing to happen in my life up until now and with the lack of sources for husbands staying with their transitioning spouses I really only had the people here.

Thank you so very much for everything. I don’t think people can understand what it means to me both in the past and into the future.

I just wanted to explain to everyone that I probably won’t be posting here for a while. Right now, I only have long and angry rants about what I am watching happening nationally and in the overall world, and that isn’t what the blog is supposed to be about. It is about my life with Wolsey.

Wolsey is fully transitioned, happy and healthy. Life is good, and a lot of things have come up that have other focuses in our life (don’t worry we are definitely good with each other), that is demanding our full attention. 

I just wanted to explain for the time being why I wasn’t posting. I just don’t want to mix the overall purpose of the blog with me shouting into the void.

 I am still around, I definitely am here if anyone has any questions or wants to talk, I just don’t think I have any appropriate original content for this venue at the moment.

If you want to read my inane personal blog you can still find it at www.luckyslife.com, there will be links there to other gaming blogs and other subject matters.

Although there will be upcoming links and posting on when the book is coming out and if there are any more articles or public things I do related to this.

Once again though, I am here always and anyone needs anything whether publicly or privately you can reach me through here. I want to help with my story and with anything I can give to the community.


Working while transgender

I thought I’d share some of my experiences in my most recent adventure in working while openly transgender. As most of you probably have gathered, my husband and I work for an agency in the Department of Defense, and this year’s politics have not gone unfelt at my workplace.

I had to file a harassment claim against one of my supervisors, which those up the command chain decided did not rise to the level of harassment. This was in spite of overwhelming management support of me at the office level where it happened.

This is why I started looking for a job right after I got out of surgery in December. I will be leaving the highest paying job I have ever had. I am going to a similar job that over the long run will top out at less money overall.

I had entertained the idea of staying, but the supervisor I had made the harassment claim against is being promoted. I am the second person to file against her, the other being race based in nature. I don’t want to stay at a place that protects people that use their positions of power to harass others.

I knew I had made the right decision when today I was told a certain email had been a part of that harassment claim as evidence where my bottom surgery had been brought up in a stupid way by the supervisor I had filed the claim against.

This is all a part of working while transgender. I can accept all that because I have a good degree, and a resume that gets me in the door of many other places with little problem. This will not be the last time in my life this is going to come up. I don’t choose to hide that I am transgender. It’s going to come up again.

What I can’t accept is worrying that my husband will face backlash from my speaking out about being treated poorly. This terrible supervisor argued to get my husband on her team, and we’ve both been walking on eggshells in case she acts against him. That’s not a way to live. It’s overshadowed both our work lives for months now.

I really love working alongside my husband, but it’s relieving not to. I don’t ever have to worry about my being transgender being used against him in the work place if we don’t work in the same job.

This is really the crux of being openly trans in our culture. Sometimes the best paying job isn’t the one you keep, because the less paying job is more accepting. That’s not something you should have to deal with, but it’s a reality in 2018.

I am very grateful that I have the opportunity to just hop to a different job. Not all transgender folks have those kinds of resources or options.

This is probably one of the larger reasons there been few posts recently. It’s a lot of energy to deal with all that, and it eats into everything else. I am confident over the next few months things will be getting back on track.

 

Evidently its not a same-sex marriage.

Evidently I am not really in a same-sex marriage according to some of my coworkers.

Last week I flew down to Atlanta for training. Once again for those who don’t know, I work for the Department of Defense auditing Defense Contractors. This means many of my coworkers are very conservative, and a surprisingly (and sadly) large amount voted for Trump, especially people not from my office in the liberal Pacific Northwest.

It should be noted while I say that, it is usually men that are super conservative and weird. I have been very fortunate that most women have been great, no matter where they are from. In addition my office is even more supportive overall compared to the DoD in general.

We went through the initial introductions and some of the students have been in classes with me. When they asked me what was going on, if we had any hobbies, relationships, etc. I always start out with the upcoming book. This allows me to get out there I am in a same sex marriage and that I won’t put up with any transgender discrimination bullshit. People know immediately if they want to avoid me or get to know me.

I am ok with the usual shunning that occurs from a large chunk of the people (especially men). It prevents awkward situations later. I also am fully out there because I think it changes things. When people actually have to interact with LGBTQ in person, it sometimes changes their view.

As usual most men sort of ignored or avoided me during this conversation and most of the women were intrigued, asked me about the book, about how long we had been together, etc. There are always several women that want to know when the book is going to be published and what the name is so they can get a copy. I suspect this is because women are socialized to listen more, and also they always seem to get that “omg that is so great” that I stayed with Wolsey, whereas most guys roll their eyes and say I should have just moved on.

After all that things mellowed out in the class. However, I noticed that there is a table in the back where the men are just giving me the “the look”. It was a lot more obvious than normal. I can’t tell if this is because of the Trump election since my last training like this was right as Trump was elected and before the nation became even more cruel to marginalized groups.

This happened for most of the first day. They wouldn’t look at me even during conversations that the lecture made us go through.

What I did notice is there was a very quiet woman who sat at their table who would look at me. She smiled and had that kind face that said “I am sorry my table mates are assholes”.

The trip back to the hotel we all stayed at had the same thing. The men at that table wouldn’t look at me. They even avoided climbing on the elevator with me and one other person and waited for the next one.

Weirdly enough though, the next day at lunch the nice lady from their table came over and sat with me and asked me about Wolsey and about my life. She shared about herself too, how she was an immigrant as a child and came over, but now she considered herself fully American.

She asked some polite questions about the transition, about how long we were married, etc. She was surprised when I explained that Wolsey was my wife for 21 years, and then transitioned to being my husband. I don’t think she ever considered there were FTMs out there.

She relayed that everyone at her table seemed to think that I was married to a guy for 21 years and he transitioned to being a woman. I joked how that couldn’t be possible because for the first 20 years of my marriage, same sex marriage wasn’t even legal.

After lunch she went back to her table and I could see her talking with the rest of them. They all kept looking at me and a change in their demeanor happened. All of a sudden they didn’t give me that look and on our way, back to the hotel they even chatted with me for a short bit. Don’t get me wrong, there wasn’t any approval in their tone, but it was a lot friendlier.

Evidently they don’t consider Wolsey a boy, and that I am not actually gay.

I definitely got the impression they don’t agree with the whole situation, but this is the first time someone has treated me like I am not in same sex marriage purely based on the fact that Wolsey was born with a female body.

The rest of the week they would talk to me politely in class (huge switch from obviously ignoring me the first day and a half), but that was all. Strangely enough, that made me a lot angrier about the situation then when I was just getting the stink eye from them.

I am still processing this now that I am home, but I wanted to get that out there on what happened. Evidently some coworkers think I am not gay (or bisexual as the case actually is) and I am not in a same-sex marriage. That just pisses me off more, touche Trump voters you scored a small victory on me this time

Unexpected Increased Anxiety

I have noticed something since Wolsey’s transition, my anxiety over how I look has gotten worse, and I assume it is because of the media and how they portray gay couples. Hot looking guys with other hot looking guys. While Wolsey is a hot guy, I definitely don’t feel in that category.


Don’t get me wrong, I have always been uncomfortable with myself, even when I was skinny. I always thought Wolsey was way too hot for me. When he presented as a woman I always felt I had married “up” compared to myself, and this continues with him in his true form, he is still very hot.

However, conventional heterosexual standards are sexist in the way that was beneficial to me then, that it isn’t too unexpected to find a hot woman with a guy that shall we say… isn’t on her level. That was how things were from my point of view and society seemed to feel similarly. I can admit even I thought that when I saw other couples with conventionally attractive women were with men we wouldn’t consider conventionally attractive.



I have noticed though since Wolsey’s transition that I get more anxious now. The fact that he is now actually a gay guy instead of appearing as a woman seems to have deepened my anxiety. He has always been reassuring since we got together and I know logically he would never leave me. My weird self-esteem issues have been problematic for me, but he has never given me reason to think they were real. That being said, I have picked up on this anxiety of not being hard bodied enough to deserve him, more so than when we appeared as a heterosexual couple.

I assume its because both media and what appears to be the LGBTQ culture shows the most attractive men are hard bodied gym guys, or masculine bears (I don’t quite measure up to that as well). Of course this doesn’t even address how racists our views of attractive gays since media usually portrays them white men almost exclusively. 

The funny part is that when we did appear as heterosexuals, we had guys actively moving on him trying to get in between us. We haven’t ever had that happen yet with us in his post transition, although now that he is post-surgery and in recovery our social lives should pick up and we will be around a lot more people, so who knows maybe it will happen.

This post doesn’t really have a wrap up, I just wanted to state how I was feeling and maybe in future posts more will become evident and having this here will help. I also wanted to reassure some of the people who have contacted me that yes, even now I have worries and fears. It is definitely normal (although maybe I get a little more anxious then some).